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Release The Inner Dru

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Kill it until it dies from it! [29 Dec 2004|03:23pm]

[ mood | pissy ]

Hi. I'm here to keep myself from committing violence upon myself and/or others. Nice to meet ya.

Here is a list of various things that make me want to kill other various things until they are dead from it.

First and foremost, girls telling my boyfriend that they love him and/or wish that he didn't have a girlfriend. I know I should be able to look at it as a compliment, but I've had my heart ripped from my chest one too many times and the littlest thing tends to make me nervous. And angry. Irrational, I know. I try to stifle it as much as possible. Sometimes it doesn't work.

Stupid people yelling at me through the phone at work that they haven't gotten their claim money from the hurricane. I feel ya, I really do. But it's not my fucking fault. You wanna yell at someone, call the actual INSURANCE COMPANY and yell your obscenities at them. We certainly don't have the money to pay your fucking claim.

Not ever having enough fucking time to spend with the people I love. I feel like all I do is work, come home, eat dinner, sleep...and do it all again. Although I definitely will get a reprieve from this next year when I take my vacation. Because I'm going so far away they can't possibly call me and whine for me to come into work.

Asshole ex-husbands. Enough said.

Parents/grandparents who seem to think that since they did such a stellar job in raising you that it gives them the right to tell you how to raise your children. I hope you noticed the sarcasm there. You already fucked my poor psyche up beyond belief, please don't fuck up my childrens'. Kthxbye.

Not ever having any extra money. I work for nothing but the necessities and that really sucks. Selfish, I know, but it still REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I can't even buy myself CLOTHES, for fuck's sake.

Bands making shitty covers of songs I love. Again, enough said.

I think that's it. I'm going to go before I think about this too much and give myself an anuerism.

Release The Inner Dru

i thought the community needed a post [07 Oct 2004|08:48pm]

hello everyone involved in the inner dru.
hows come nobody never posts?
i guess none of us are angry enough.
bye, quiet ones.
Release The Inner Dru

let me hear you crying just for me... [21 Sep 2003|09:55pm]

hmm...i guess its about time i post why i've had such a horrible day...since i haven't told anyone yet...i only want to do this once...so i won't explain it again...

i told my mom this morning i'm not going to my uncles party...because i don't care about...she said i had to go because my uncle is severely depressed...i told her me beating the shit out of ian really wouldn't help...we argued...my dad put his two cents in (cuz he's a piece of shit)...i told him i don't care...and he goes "oh, then why should we! we don't care to give you rides! blah blah blah"...i told him "i don't care whether you die or live...you could drop dead in front of me and i'd carry on like normal"...they told me to pack my shit and leave...i told them no...i said i'll use the computer...my dad says "i'll take it out"...so he leaves...apparently going to take the computer...so we argue...i go downstairs...computer is still there...its the most pathetic thing, he just shut it down...he even saved the crap that was open...biggest retard, i swear...so i turn it back on...and my dad unplugs it...ooo...like its going to stop me later...i go to my room to get my cds...my 3 new ones are missing...i know he moved them...i ask him where they are...he doesn't answer...i pick up a trash barrel...ask him again...put the barrel on the table...ask him again...he doesn't answer...i throw the trash barrel and all its contents at his head...so he grabs me and pushes me to the floor...choking me with my shirt...i spit in his eye, but he's too busy choking me to hit me...he threatens to kill me...i told him to go right ahead and called him a piece of shit...he's not used to me talking to him like that, cuz for the first 13 years i was scared of him...i stopped being scared and i started calling him names...and the best part is, they actually hurt him...names don't hurt teenagers...but calling a 16 year old calling a 45 year old a shit head always seems to get to them...he gets off of me...he tells me to pick up the trash...i told him no...i go to my room...and i sit there...while my mom screams "what are we going to do? blah blah"...she tries to call the police, but she's too much of a pussy...my dad takes the phone and starts dialing...my mom cries...shes going "evan, YOU'RE doing this"...i told her "NO! YOU are doing this! i can't MAKE you do anything. just like you can't MAKE me do anything! I am taking responsabilty...if you call the police, i'll go with them. but now YOU have to take responsability and realize that YOU are doing this. not me." that broke her...she took the phone from my dad and all that shit...we sit and talk and i just keep telling my father how much i hate him and how much of a shit head he is...he told me to stop and i told him to either shut the fuck up or hit me like he threatened...cuz if he hit me, he was gone...which is all i want...they ALWAYS threaten to call the police because they "can't control me"...too fucking stupid to figure out how to handle it by yourself is what i think...i remember i used to break down and cry when they threatened...because i didn't want to be far from joanna...or sam...but now, i can't get much further away from liz as it is, so if they send me away i can only get closer...so i really don't care...they always say "you don't get rides, you don't get money"...well, i'm getting my license...and i STEAL money...its not that fucking hard...but they have to realize to stop blaming ME for their threats and actions..."you pushed me this far. thats why i hit you" or "you're doing this. i don't want to do this, but you're making me"...i can't MAKE them do anything...everything anyone ever does is of their own free will...you can NEVER be forced...you can be forced physically...but that is illegal...if you do something you don't want to do its not because someone made you...its because you believe it is more convienent to do the fucking thing than deal with consequences...i choose to deal with consequences...and people choose to make punishments worse for me, because i just don't fucking care...so i "make" them do it...biggest sack of shit ever...

in closing...i hate my family...i wish they did call the police so i could leave...

"we did it again...we screwed up in reverse"
- Trapper
2 Tortured Screams| Release The Inner Dru

attatched message: return to sender: FUCK OFF! [10 Aug 2003|03:26pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

GAH! i just flew off the flew off the fucking handle! someone broke the printer...my moms flipping out cuz everyone says they didn't do it...so her genious plan: punish all of us for potentially lying...i don't follow punishments when i DO do something wrong...so me following her lame punishment was OUT OF THE FUCKING QUESTION! she told me to get off the computer...i told her to fuck off...she pushed me and tried to take the keyboard...i grabbed the keyboard, pushed her against the wall, got up in her face and just started SCREAMING at her...i sat back down, cuz my throat hurt...she told me to get out of the house...and i just smiled up at her and said "no"...she took the keyboard...phone rang...it was for me...i told my mom i'm not talking right now...apparently, it was liz...FUCKER! its probably good i didn't talk...i HATE talking to her when i'm mad...it makes me feel so shitty...anyway...i get back downstairs and my cell phone rings...didn't recognize the number at all...so i just hung up on them...i put Smile Empty Soul on up all the way...my mom came downstairs and just stood in my doorway, looking at me singing the songs while laying in bed...so i just put up my middle finger and kept singing...she turned my music off...i got up and said "you know whats great about stereos? surround sound" and i put up both my middle fingers...then i put my music back on all the way up...she turned it down...i turned it up...she sat down and turned it half-way down...she started talking about how i won't do that again...and i just kept talking...making every other word be "fuck" cuz i know how much she hates it...so she talks and talks...and i still don't care...i just nod and agree...then she gives me the keyboard back...and thats the end of that...

1 Tortured Scream| Release The Inner Dru

[23 Jul 2003|10:56pm]

they were jokes...fuck off
Release The Inner Dru

someday... [17 Jun 2003|10:01pm]

someday i'm going to kill those bitches...just fucking watch me
3 Tortured Screams| Release The Inner Dru

[09 Jun 2003|05:55pm]

If I say, "Get your fucking ass out of my seat," get your fucking ugly ass out of my seat. This isn't your fucking house, no one really wants you here, and that fucking chair belongs to me. Kalinda MADE it for me, not you. So fuck you. I put up with way TOO much when we were "friends" I don't need your shit now too.
Release The Inner Dru

Ahhh! [07 Jun 2003|09:41pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

I hate it when people meet you, talk to you intensely (like you're a goddess) for about a week, then fucking forget you. Delete you from every inch of their life. They don't need you anymore, but don't you need them?

Release The Inner Dru

assassination [23 May 2003|05:41pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

anyone wanna make a quick $200 bucks for killing my parents?

3 Tortured Screams| Release The Inner Dru

Metamorphis [14 May 2003|03:18am]

to ache
to want
to need
to feel
to breathe
to hold
to love
to be

She felt a sodden weight
holding her heart down
Tenfold the pain
it came
this whip
this life
cursing her flesh

She felt her soul
reach for
a higher source
a higher power
a moth to the
the fascination
of it all
to fly
to this light
with a desperation

Like water
for air
Air for
in its light crisp
with out-
is to die
with it-
is to bleed
She krept- this bleeding mass

& Extended beyond equivalence
She felt her
fingertips brushing
a solid surface
with a velvet inside
She felt
Like none felt before
A mass of
something a bit deeper
it touched her
& cried for release

She rushed
to the surface
to open her mouth
& gasp for
A lung opening

She krept
under his skin
to hold him
& never to _____
A mass she was
a deaden weight
She could not
let go
of his imaginary
heart beat
So she lay
under his skin
forever enclosed

A velvet
that pumps
the soul
into direction
that requires none
of the senses
but emotion
in itself
A spinning carasel
of colors
that are new & undiscovered
by any rainbow

To find one's self
in tragic loss

is often

or dying.
Release The Inner Dru

wow...thats really touching [01 May 2003|08:35pm]

[ mood | touched ]

i'm posting this here because i don't want to take up room on my journal and its my fucking community, so i can post whatever i want...


on survivor...some guy just won a visit from his mother...who he hasn't seen in +31 days...and the other 5 people were crying...because they couldn't see their parents/significant others/spouces/etc...and the host asked if the guy would give up his visit so the other 5 could see their loved ones...and he gave it up...without a second thought, he gave up seeing his mother so the other 5 people could be happy...and it makes me think...if i was given the option to see liz...for the first time in my entire life...or have birdy, dru, ella, jen, and JD be happy...what would i choose?

to be completely honest i don't know...i mean, at first thought, hands down...i'd want to be with liz...no question...but then i'd think about it...birdy, dru, ella, jen and JD...all be happy...truly happy...it's a hard decision...it really is...it's a fight between me going home...and my closest friends being happy...i really don't know...

i'll just go now...bye

1 Tortured Scream| Release The Inner Dru

thats pretty funny... [26 Apr 2003|03:53pm]

[ mood | amused...in that evil sort of way ]

well...aren't we the smart one...talk about all that stuff in your journal...even if it is friend blocked...and having me on your friend list, come on...thats not a good idea...now...i could call my parents down here right now...let them ready EVERYTHING you've written...have them call your mother and *gasp*...1 - christian goes to jail for statutory rape...2 - you're miserable...hmmm...that sounds like a plan to me!

now thats what i call the inner fucking dru!

3 Tortured Screams| Release The Inner Dru

To breathe [25 Apr 2003|10:11pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

(this is a slightly old post, but im posting it any way to relieve stress. I basically feel the same, and teddy you know why! >.<)

Warning: becuase of past retards, whom shall remain anonymous, I'm going to cast a warning here. About everything in here, is meant to be insulting. It's obvious anger, & obvious different situations stirred into one. I haven't written my expressed feelings in a while. So here it is. All in one. If you get angered, or offended.. well.. FUCK OFF. Thats right you can LEAVE. I don't see your name written on this journal. This is MY journal. So if you want to post your pathetic shit to me about how much I suck. FUCK YOU. Do it in your own god damn journal where i wouldnt care as to what you have to say becuase *GASP* YOU FUCKING SUCK, & I'll never go there to read it ANY WAY.
There's a point. A very fine point to all of this. One which, you can not see. It is a very small black dot on a very large red, brick wall. While you were starring so close to find the imperfection..
..I take a step back and enjoy the cracks which make a design apon the wall. So imperfect. So perfect.. So beautiful.
There's a point to this too. A very fine point to all of this. TO everything. Which you can NEVER see. You NEVER asked me. So you'll never know.

if the rain asked to seperate from itself. Does it say, pick out your cloud?

While you were inspecting this very large, & very red wall, for its imperfections- i was devouring them. Oh yes, So beautiful & constant.


Life is full of them you know. yes I know. There's some flaws & mistakes that should not be devoured. Should not be enjoyed. These things hurt people. I wait, to get the full picture this time. This is where I stand back & stare at the large picture instead of normally starring at the fine print. Once I'm done checking the backgrounds I go for the fine print. I slide my fingers under the sheets & peek at the exposed corspe.
Just as I suspected..
Even then, I wait. I pry a little. Ask a little. & when the time comes I offer my help. Help is given. Help is lost. Help has been a shovel for the body to bury itself. I will not be anything to you any more. Victem. Villian. pretense.


All fun, & taunts- until I grab my knife and jeer it into your nerves.

Dont FUCK with me. A lot of people assume becuase I have a large mouth it's to make up for the lack of intelligence, or perhaps strength behind them. ...-Slowly smiles- No... No.. No hunny.. YOU have it ALL wrong. I say what I do becuase I have the shit to back it up. i recommend not opening your moronic mouth unless you have something intelligent to say. & if you open that mouth any way, you better be prepared to get the full back lash of more than my witty comments from me. I know far more than you could ever imagine. & i can back them up. Not only with fists, but among other things.

Oh, I know I can be immature. I mean, it takes a REAL woman to end a ghastly conversation such as you started. ...but, it takes an even MORE immature ELDERLY woman to start one with one of my age, dont you think?
Oh, I know I can be a real bitch. I know I can be far worse than any one ever imagined. i KNOW what i am, but hunny, what are you? You're FAR worse of a person then i could ever be. You not only brought your own life down but of those around you. I have alot of respect for most of the things you TRY to accomplish, I have a lot of respect for most of my elders. But as we both agreed apon. Respect works both ways. You can not expect me to respect you for opening your moronic mouth, expressing things you know nothing about & then expect ME, little ol' me, to respect you still aftwards? Tsk. I don't respect people becuase they're elderly. i respect them if they're wise. You may have been around a while but that sure as hell doesn't make you intelligent. Brief conversation prooves that.

I noticed the more supporters someone has, the more they themself feel strengthened. No one supports me. No one follows me. No one helps me. Ah, the sea of idiots around me. & here i am cast a float.. drifting through their mindless crap.

I feel strong enough alone. I don't need you, or you, or any one.. to make me feel strong within myself. i don't need you any more. i dont think i ever did.

Now why was it people like to say shit to me? OH YES! becuase unlike most of the fucks (yes you) i'm very direct & i say what I have to say honestly to people. if something bothers me, & its something you're doing (purpously or not) I'm going to tell you about it. I tell you about it, in hopes that maybe you might better yourself for the *GASP* better! or maybe for you to just stop your bullshit becuase it's not just affecting you but others too. if you don't want to hear it. You dont have to listen. I'm not honest becuase I like to piss you off or insult (unless directly purpously insulted first) & yes, I even have to correct MYSELF sometimes. Sometimes when trying to be honest i let my anger get the better of me or my emotions becuase im HURT. But i eventually DO correct myself. I'm honest becuase it shows a lack of respect when you're not being honest with people. its direspectful and RUDE. its..LYING. & to the fact most people talk shit about every one behind their backs & are A: pretending to be friends with them or B: Talk more shit to them but not the shit they said in the first place.
Well becuase i choose not to lead your very rude and disespectful path doesn't give you the right to TALK SHIT (purpously meaning for it to insult while making your point etc) becuase THATS being immature, stupid.. and just.. GOD DAMN.. it just makes you fucking RETARDED.

Oh, I know people are going to have a fun time with THIS entry becuase THIS enrtry was actually meant to be insulting and hurtful. Oh, I know everything Im saying is hypocritical and contradictive. becuase here I am saying that its fucked up what YOU did & i never tried to. Well here's a good ANSWER (not excuse mind you) as to WHY. becuase you're fucking pathetic, retarded and plain ol' stupid. What ever I say with intelligence, lack of being offensive, & lack of emotion is taken offensively ANY WAY. What ever I have to say which makes TEN times more sense then anything you ever had to say was just ignored & you added more bullshit pathetic excuses which werent true & just added so you had something nasty to say to me. Thats where I put my fucking foot down & say, FUCK YOU. I dont have to put up with it. & i dont FUCKING CARE what you have to FUCKING SAY ABOUT IT. I'm not going to give you the power or satisfaction ANY MORE of responding to you or even putting up with it.
You Always lose track of what I was trying to orginally get at.

So here, let me say it in EASY TERMS for you. Not just you, but to ANY ONE ELSE who has something to say.

You have no right to insult me, purpously insult me, degrade me, or flame me for what ever pathetic fucking reason you have. i never tried to INTENTIONALLY insult ANY ONE (except this entry obviously) & I will continue to openly be honest. Should you EVER ...EVER... insult me becuase of WHAT EVER reason.. you better be prepared to be knocked FASTER and harder on your ass then what you're already used to. I WILL NOT tolerate ANY MORE CRAP. PERIOD.

Oh, if you HAVE something to say-respectfully & not MEANT to hurt or insult.. I will listen.

get it, got it, good.

There's a point. A very fine point to all of this. One which, you can not see. It is a very small black dot on a very large red, brick wall. While you were starring so close to find the imperfection..
..I take a step back and enjoy the cracks which make a design apon the wall. So imperfect. So perfect.. So beautiful.
There's a point to this too. A very fine point to all of this. TO everything. Which you can NEVER see. You NEVER asked me. So you'll never know.

if the rain asked to seperate from itself. Does it say, pick out your cloud?

Release The Inner Dru

ugh [21 Apr 2003|01:37pm]

[ mood | nauseated ]

don't even say that! *shudder* i just remembered what the stupid fucking retarded whore said yesterday...makes me wanna throw up just thinking about it...almost ruined the concert for me...but o well...

2 Tortured Screams| Release The Inner Dru

*reading old shit on freewriters* [20 Apr 2003|12:31pm]

yeah...well...i don't want new memories...i don't want old memories...i don't want you...so fuck off...

sorry i keep posting here...but its fucking addictive...
Release The Inner Dru

fucking happy now? [20 Apr 2003|07:40am]

[ mood | pissed off ]

are you happy now? someone besides sam and dru bitched on here...

Release The Inner Dru

fuck you [20 Apr 2003|07:36am]

[ mood | disgusted ]

a lot of people think i'm crazy...fuck you...

a lot of people think i'm over fanatical about anti-drugs...fuck you...

a lot of people think i ruined a perfectly good meaningless relationship...fuck you...

a lot of people make me sick...a lot more than i ever thought would...and you know what? fuck you too...

i never want it again...i fucking mean it...i never want to feel that way about you again...you are ugly...and you are empty...and you used to mean the fucking world to me...and now...you mean shit...you mean nothing to me...what happened between us never should have happened...and i regret every fucking second of it...

don't be so fucking naive...you know damn fucking well i'm talking about you...

1 Tortured Scream| Release The Inner Dru

I don't even want a friggen cat [18 Mar 2003|07:43pm]

wow, i love how i am so involved with stuff at my dads. i am always the last to know everyting, and i dont even find out form my dad, i either find out from my friends or from my stepbrothers. i mean, i found out from gabe that my dad was getting married when he told my friends. then i find out from Kathleen, that we now have a cat. i mean, i think i should find out from my dad first...don't you? i wasn't even involved in the decision to get the fucking cat. they just randomly got a cat from the resue league. i mean, great, they saved a cat. but i didnt want a cat. but i guess it doesnt matter what i want cuz i'm only there on the weekends. i guess i have no say in the matter. but i mean, still, find out from my stepbrother that my dad was getting married? doesnt that sound like a father daughter sit down talk?? they bug me so bad! i'm the last to know everything, they are always screaming and yelling at each other when i am over there, and then they wonder why i am upset. cuz they act like they dont care.
Release The Inner Dru

[26 Feb 2003|09:31pm]

are me and dru the only ones that have actually "released the inner dru" on here? theres only two entries where ppl are actually bitching about something.
Release The Inner Dru

Cube cube cube! Believe! [25 Feb 2003|06:36pm]

[ mood | confused ]

holy fucking shit! not expecting that at all!

did i miss something?

total shock...not totally sure what to do...

don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...

if i say it i'm going to jump off a fucking cliff...

Release The Inner Dru

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